Sometimes, the things we are afraid of the most, are the things that make us the happiest.

I could avoid it all I want, forever. The truth is that I’m terrified.

My life is like a recipe. More like an experimental kitchen. I tried a few ingredients, they made my food bitter. Others were too sweet. Some just spoiled my milk. Others set themselves on fire and ruined it.

I’ve experimented some, threw some away and swore to never touch certain ingredients again.  Those that make me sick, those that hurt my teeth and those that are not good for my heart. Others were just flakey.

Two years ago, I found a rare ingredient. I think it was part of the gourmet section of life’s supermarket. I mixed it in with everything I had and the results were delicious. It went well with everything; white wine, red wine, dessert, main courses…

I couldn’t get enough. It was savory, interesting, hot, and it became my favourite dish.Now, this dish is making me feel scared. I’ve never been so serious about a dish. Yet alone, I hardly stick to the same dish for a long time. But this one is just so delicious, I can’t help it. It’s become my comfort food, my healthy food and it still surprises my taste buds up to this day. No other dish has made me feel this healthy in the past.

Now this is where my fear comes in. What if MY dish gets boring to the other chef?

What if he wants to add cheese, or remove certain ingredients? What if i’m not mouthwatering anymore? What if I’m not spicy enough? What if he can only get take out because of the distance.

Today I realized it.

I’m an ingredient and I’m self conscious. So I avoid it. I stop talking. I hide. I bury myself in my thoughts and can’t let anyone in.

Unless of course, I am hungry.

And that’s why I compare everything to food.

Dear Susie,

I’m sorry I did not attend your funeral. I learned that you passed away only yesterday and was in shock. In my mind, you were invincible and I did not expect this to be your last Christmas.

I want to thank you for all the times we spent together, and how you acted like a second mother to me for a whole year. You were always extremely sweet to me and I enjoyed your peppy personality. I remember sunbathing in the snow with you, eating breakfast in my pyjamas in your company and watching Charlie and the Chocolate factory in the basement one night.

I hope you didn’t suffer too much towards the end and that your transition to Heaven was painless and reassuring. You are second person whom I know this month who has succumbed to cancer.

I’m thinking of your husband, your children and mostly your stepchildren.

If circumstances were different and I had known about your passing earlier, I would have come to the funeral and said goodbye to you myself. However, because of recent incidents, it would have not been a good idea.

I send all my strength to your husband, children and family. I hope they find happiness and have faith in life during this difficult time. I have always respected you and hope you rest in in Heaven Peacefully.

Goodbye Susie -

I believe that if you put your mind to it, anything is possible.

I believe that falling on your face is the only way you can get up.

I believe that mistakes make us better people.

I believe that patience and time are good things.

I believe that real friends will love you no matter how much you mess up.

I believe it’s okay to lose your mind once in a blue moon.

I believe it’s okay, yet hard to grow up.

I believe we are too hard on ourselves.

I believe we always expect more.

I believe we can’t always convey our feelings in a conventional way.

I believe everyone feels like screaming it from the rooftops but writes in their blog instead.

I believe it’s okay to fight for what you want.

I believe we are all cowards of our own emotions.

I believe a lot of us run away from what they cannot handle.

I believe that it takes a lot to leave your youth behind.

I believe it’s difficult to understand accelerated lives around us.

I believe everything happens for a reason.

I believe it’s okay to be overwhelmed but that we need to stop and take a breath.

I believe it’s important to cherish people around us who give us energy.

I believe it’s important to know when to stop.

I believe it’s good to take a step back.

I believe it’s my bedtime right now- I must go to bed.

We’re all dying to know the answer to a question we are afraid to ask.

But at the same time, are we ready to hear the truth? Are we even close to handling it?

Or are we in it just because we are curious as to where it will lead.

What if we have everything right now, for the first time and we are terrified of losing it.

That’s it. I’m falling all over again. And it feels so great.

Aujourd’hui, j’ai essayé d’observer ma vie d’un oeil extérieur et j’ai enfin pu apprécier “The Big Picture”. Et, je dois avouer que j’aime beaucoup de que je vois.

Aujourd’hui, rien ne me manquait. Ni le passé, ni le futur imaginé que je monte dans ma tête afin de me rassurer. Aujourd’hui, j’ai vécu le aujourd’hui, et il n’y a rien de plus beau que d’apprécier le moment présent sans s’inquiéter de ce qui va arriver.

On m’a dit aujourd’hui que je ressemblais à une poupée. On m’a acheté une chopine de bleuets. Et l’on m’a accroché une affiche de Edward dans mon cubicule. Ça semble pas rapport, mais quand tes collègues te traitent comme un membre de leur famille, rien ne peut mal aller.

On m’a aussi demander de traduire un texte et un quelqu’un y avait agrafé une note : ” Can you please translate this sunshine? You are the best translator in the world!!!!! “.

How the HELL can one have a bad day??

Sometimes, I wonder if the universe decides what happens to us. When we understand something, does it get suddenly easier? And if we don’t, is it desperately trying to teach us?

I’ve been spending the last week, searching for who I am. And I know the following so far:

- I’m almost a quarter of a century and do not act nor look like it.

- I don’t think of consequences.

- I am very impulsive, in a good way.

- The men in my life have always pushed me a certain way -either to travel, or to move and strive for what I am good at. So, thank you.

- I like to paint.

- I love to cook.

- I dislike gardening. I really tried to like it but it’s more of a burden than a hobby. Let’s get real.

- I spend most of my free time at Chapters or Michaels the Craft  Store. I could spend hours in either.

- I like to bike to random places and somewhat get lost. I love to be in a place that is foreign to me because it makes me figure things out.

- When I am determined, I do not hesitate.

- I love to fantasize and create scenarios in my head.

- I shy away from emotion. Of. Any. Kind. My old job turned me into a robot.  Screw la cloche.

- I hate feeling like I need to run after something/someone in order to be happy.

- I miss my friends. (Particularly this week).

- I miss myself when I was more naïve. I seemed to enjoy myself more when I wasn’t aware of much. I was so oblivious- it was like being on a natural high. Now, I seem to analyze things more and just get lost in my thoughts = con fu zion.

- I really need to plant this tomato plant next to me, it’s been in a plain yogurt container for 2 weeks!

- I need to stop asking myself why. WHY?? WHY??? Pourquoi? Tabernak.

- I’m single, like a kraft cheese slice. WHERE THE HELL IS MY TOAST?

I’m getting better everyday at this soul-searching thing. Really. I promise.

- You are not the one for me. You will not be the father of my children and we will never live together. Please come pick your things up now.

- It’s not about waiting for the storm to pass, but rather learning on how to dance in the rain.

- Sometimes we pay more attention to the door that has closed than the one that has opened.

-Trans- po po

-Don’t sweat the small stuff

- Yellow!

- I want pink

- I miss my steak and grilled cheese

- I miss the before

- Now I’m really living it on my own

- If you haven’t booked it yet, it means you do not want to be with me.

- Let’s call the whole thing off

- Today, go jump on your bed!

From the moment we are born into this world, we are fed all these Disney fairy tales : Snow White, Cinderella,  Beauty and the Beast,  and Sleeping Beauty. What do they all have in common? All the women in these stories faint or get into some kind of trouble until the knight in shining armour comes to rescue them.

After watching all these delusional fairy tales, I started to truly believe that life revolved around a knight coming to save you from whatever it was that was going wrong in your life.

After a few dates, he would bend over enough to come wake you up after having eaten a poisoned apple, or fight for you in the form of a beast on a rooftop while it’s raining and thundering like crazy. And of course, after all this, he would magically turn into a handsome, rich prince who would then propose to you. And you would both live happily ever after.

In the last few years, I learned that if you wait for your prince, you’ll never get anywhere. You have to fight for yourself, pay your own bills, and no one will come to your rescue if you are in danger.

I wish I could forget the fairy tale and focus on 2009.

There’s no fairy god mother to teleport me somewhere, or mice to sew me a nice gown.

Which sucks because I can’t sew.